Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will
sit in a boat with his buddies and drink beer all day!
~Mike Biggins
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A little boy says to his father "Hey Dad
that's a great fish you caught. Can I use it for bait?" |
Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a
funeral procession headed across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap,
and bows his head. When the procession passed by he sat down and continued
fishing in silence.His buddy remarks, "That was very touching. I did'nt know you were such
a sensitive and compassionate guy!"To which the other fellow replys , "Well, I guess it was the right thing
to do- after all, I was married to her for 40 years!"
(Submitted by
Capt. Zach Zacharias) |
How do you
communicate with a fish?
Drop him a LINE.
(Submitted by Scott Dalton)
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"Three men and a baby"
"When four guys go fishing and one catches nothing."
(Submitted by John Kruse)
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A blonde decided to go
ice fishing. After studying up on the subject she went out on the ice and started to cut a hole. Suddenly a voice boomed from above her "There are no fish under the ice!" She continued to cut the ice. Again it boomed. "There are no fish under the ice!" The blonde looked up and
said. "Is that you lord?"
"No. I'm the ice rink manager."
(Submitted by John Kruse) |
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano ?
You can't tuna fish !
(Submitted by Keith Pratt)
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What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
Fsh !
(Submitted by Keith Pratt) |
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Did You Here About The ONE Armed
Fisherman That Caught A Fish?
"IT WAS THIS BIG"
(Submitted by Keith Pratt) |
Why Don't Sharks Bite
Lawyers?
Professorial Curtsey.
(Submitted by Keith Pratt) |
| What are you fishing?
For the HAL-A-BIT
(Submitted by Scott Dalton)
|
What is the
difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom sucking feeder and the other is a
fish.
(Submitted by Keith Pratt) |
| What did the fish say
when his head hit a cement wall?
DAM !
(Submitted by Keith Pratt)
|
How do you
communicate with a fish?
Drop him a LINE.
(Submitted by Scott Dalton)
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Past Home Page Stupid Jokes
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Sent In By - L.
Kendrick
Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe decided one day to go fishing,
havin'
no boat they went and rented themselves one. They went out to the middle
of the lake and started fishin'. They caught one fish right after the other.
Jimmy Joe turns around and says to Billy Bob, "You know Billy Bob, this
here is a good fishin' hole, we should mark it for tomorrow." so Billy Bob
takes out some black paint and puts a big X on the bottom of the boat. As they
were walking away from the boat rental shop Jimmy Joe turns again to Billy Bob
and says, "Billy Bob, did you remember to mark that there fishin'
spot?" and Billy Bob says, "Yup, I put a big ol' X on the bottom of
the boat." Jimmy Joe shakes his head at Billy Bob, "Now Billy Bob, how
do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"
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Mother:
Have you given the goldfish fresh water today?
Son: No, they haven't finished the water I gave them yesterday.
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Wife to husband while fishing: "I don't know, it still seems
to me that the boot you caught yesterday put up more of a fight than that inner tube you caught today."
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Wife to husband while fishing: "I don't know, it still seems
to me that the boot you caught yesterday put up more of a fight than that inner tube you caught today."
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Little
boy what are you fishing for?
I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms.
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Why
do they call him 'Fish'?
Because he cannot keep his mouth shut.
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Where do ghosts swim in North America?
In Lake Erie.
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How do fish go into business ?
They start on a small scale !
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Why does a fish take things in his mouth?
Because he doesn't have any hands.
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What
is the fastest fish in the sea?
Go-carp.
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One day while
driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got
a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited
the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded
motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer. That
evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He
decided to compliment the chef. Entering
the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish
friar?" "No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip
monk."
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What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ?
A beer-a-cuda !
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Where are most fish found ?
Between the head and the tail !
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What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand !
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What kind of money do fishermen make ?
Net profits !
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"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...........best trade I ever made."
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A
pastor, a priest and a rabbi were out for a day of fishing. After
getting into the boat they had just pulled away from the dock when
the rabbi said stop the boat I forgot the coffee, the pastor who was
driving the boat said I will turn around and take you back to the
dock and the rabbi said oh no need I will be right back. The rabbi
quickly jumped out of the boat and ran across the water to shore and
then to his car to fetch the coffee and then ran back across the
water and got back in the boat. Well the pastor not wanting to be
shown up by the rabbi said oh my I forgot the sandwiches and quickly
jumped out of the boat to attempt running across the water like the
rabbi but instead sank quickly to the bottom of the lake. With that
the priest looked angrily at the rabbi and said you should have
shown him where the rocks were.
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A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern
Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known
for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a
license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game
warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet
fish?" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take
these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a
while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take
em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do
that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then
said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay,
I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man
poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several
minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said:
"Well?" "Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden
prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The
FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.
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Why did the bass cross the road?
Cause it was hooked!
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What
fish terrorizes other fish?
Jack the Kipper.
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Where do fish sleep?
In a river bed.
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How
do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut it's nose off.
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How
do you kiss a Barracuda?
Very carefully!
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What
lives under the sea and carries a lot of people?
An Octobus.
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"Waiter! There is a fly in my soup!"
The waiter comes over and picks the fly out of the soup, then
carefully looks it over. He calmly says to the diner, "Sir,
your fly is a size 14 iron blue dun. May I recommend it with
the broiled rainbow trout?"
Bon-Appetite.
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What
kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch
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Don't
swim in the sea, A shark just bit off my foot!
Which one?
I don't know. All sharks look the same to me.
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How
do you stick down an envelope under the water?
With a seal.
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Where do fish sleep?
In a river bed.
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Why
do they call him 'River'?
Because the biggest part of him is his mouth.
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Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the sea weed.
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Why does a fish take things in his mouth?
Because he doesn't have any hands.
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Why
did the lobster blush?
It saw the Queen Mary's bottom.
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What
did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.
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Where does a fish keep his money?
In the River Bank!
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and
shivers?
A nervous wreck.
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Two boys were sitting on the rivers edge fishing.
One turns to the other and says "Do fish grow fast?". The
other boy replies "I think so. Every time my Dad tells the
story about the one that got away it grows another foot"
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What
did one sardine say to the other sardine when it saw a submarine?
There goes a can full of people.
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Give your husband a fish and you can feed him for
a day.
Encourage him take take up fishing for a hobby and you can get rid
of him for the weekend!
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There are two kinds of fishermen. Those that fish
for sport and those that catch something.
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What
is the fastest fish in the sea?
Go-carp.
|
|
What did one rock pool say to the other rock
pool?
Show me your mussels.
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How
do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut it's nose off.
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"How
was the fishing today Billy?" asked his friend Scott back at
the marina. "Not very good I only got fifty bites; one small
fish and forty nine mosquitoes"
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What
side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside.
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Where
do you find a crab with no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
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Two boys were sitting on the rivers edge fishing. One turns
to the other and says "Do fish grow fast?". The other boy
replies "I think so. Every time my Dad tells the story about the one
that got away it grows another foot"
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------LADIES------
Give your husband a fish and you can feed him
for a day.
Encourage him take take up fishing for a hobby and you can get rid
of him for the weekend!
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"How was the fishing today Adrian?"
asked his friend Stan back at the marina. "Not very good I only
got fifty bites; one small fish and forty nine mosquitoes"
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Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbor:
"I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and I
caught more than he did."
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1st kipper:
'Smoking's bad for you'
2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'
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What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse ?
The Codfather !
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Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea ?
Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave
the key outside !
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What part of a fish weighs the most ?
It's scales !
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